Friday, April 11, 2008

In Vino Veritas

A lot has happened in the last several hours between me and RZ-F.

She was having a bad day. We went to get Nutella crepes (which are amazing, btw) and then went to a bar nearby to get drinks. We both got Long Islands, which were pretty good. It had about 3-4 shots in it (of vodka, I think). Then she got a Long Beach and chugged that down. Yeah, something had to be wrong.

We went back to her apartment, where she took another 2 shots. She had a total of about 10 shots in a very short amount of time. I had about 4. I was surprised it didn't hit her as hard or as quick as it "should have." But, she has high tolerance (especially for an Asian) and I could just barely feel the 4 shots I had after about half an hour. Soon she got tipsy, and here's where it all began.

After SN-F (her roommate) and SP-M (my friend from high school, now all our mutual friend and SN-F's boyfriend) left, RZ-F held me behind to talk to me. She and DC-M broke up today. I would be lying if I said that I didn't feel at least a little bit happy at this. But the breakup affected her quite deeply. And we talked for about 3 hours on this (hence why this post is posted so late). Everyone she's talked to took her side, and rightly so. She can do much better than him, and she knows it. And yet, it affects her so.

But we also talked about many other things. There was a point last year when we could've dated, but I stopped it before we got to that point. In retrospect, we both decided it was for the best. And now, one of my deepest fears arises. We had become such good friends in these last couple years that there was no way we could date. And I knew this, as this has happened with anyone I had any interest in. But at the same time, we could've made it work. We had so many similarities, shared so many of the same views and values, lived through the same culture, etc. On paper, we looked almost completely compatible.

And then she asked me why I was so awkward last year, and why I said I needed time to think and such. So I told her. I came out to her. I said I was bi. She was surprised and kept maintaining that she thought I wasn't bi, that it was a result of hanging out with girls a lot and not being "connected" to guys (in a sense), and that I was confused. That once I started dating and had sex, then I would know for sure that I was straight and not bi. But of course, in my mind, none of this mattered. I knew where my attractions lie, I knew that (at least right now) I could easily see myself sleeping with and having sex with either a guy or girl some day.

I'm not sure how I feel. Sad that things between us could go no further? Happy that it could've been? And relieved that I'm out, even though she doesn't quite believe me? All the above? Whatever, sleep now.

1 comment:

B said...

Wow, good for you! That's great, I'm glad you were able to tell her.